So, I cried. Remembering all the people who have left me, so easily, when I was just trying to open myself up to them, slowly. Thinking that they might understand my pace, just like I did theirs. Trying to sew their damage, secretly hoping that they do it too when I come undone. I can’t breathe. Crying blocks my nose, I choke, making me cry more. It hurts. Just when I was thinking that it has gotten better. It is a constant dilemma; I know I’m happy being who I am, I just feel that I wish someone else did that too. Or someone elses. I’m not seeking for approval. I just…
I wish it wasn’t this easy for people to leave when someone just say, “don’t talk to me anymore” . Or, when someone simply starts to ignore, no reason is asked, the relationship shared, is just over. How? How? I might feel sad or shy or angry to bring that topic up, but you too?? Did I mean nothing to you, at all?
This isn’t a ….. Boy girl relationship heartbreak cry. This is, for those friends, who thought, it was ok to leave, even after all the moments shared.
It starts with, less talking, then less humour sharing, till the point where you are the only one continuing the ritual, when suddenly you realise, that you are the only one continuing the ritual. And then it strikes you. That they are gone. You can’t even get mad because you know the reason. You knew something like this would happen. But… There was no warning. The withdrawal symptoms are the worst. It hits you just when you muster up your strength.
I was slowly warming up to you, being a friend, trying not to repeat what I did with my previous ones because I still think that it’s my fault even though I felt like a fool initiating all the conversations. And when I stopped, it stopped. It was almost as if i was bothering you. And I didn’t want to.
Its harming me. But how would you know?
You just left.